Tricky Math

I turn 30 in May.

You know, they say thirty is the new twenty. The lesser known caveat to that is unless you have kids, then 50 will have to be your new twenty.

I was pregnant with Vivian when I was eighteen, so my late teens were actually my early thirties.

I still haven't gone to college. It looks like my forties are shaping up to be my early twenties. I have a feeling that they are not going to rock quite as hard for me as my early twenty peers.

I had braces when I was twenty five. I was too busy during Halloween making Tooth Fairy and Batman costumes, but I was going to go as a tween. I was also pregnant, so there was definite material for going as an after school special. In fact, Dave could have dressed as my nefarious teacher and we could have recruited someone to be my hot, worried mom... we could have been a Lifetime movie.

My jaw has started hurting recently. I'll tell you right now if I have to live through my tweens a third time a certain orthodontist better invest in a security system and a gun with six bullets, because five won't stop me.

My midlife crisis comes in six month intervals. I've confused my life-time continuum, and now everything is all messed up. I want to take gymnastics but I'm pregnant again (going for number four!). I want to go to college but I want to run away to a coconut island with my boyfriend (Dave). I want him to still be my boyfriend - to act surprised when I do things but I want him to already know that I want to eat at Pei Wei because we've been there a million times.

I've got to take this Delorian (brain) into the shop (psychiatrist).