It's all that I have to give...

Dave and I have a song, it Annie's Other Song, it's John Denver, it's love shouted out in an hopeful voice. It goes like this;


I'm bringing me home to you
it's all that I have to give
My life, my love my everything
it's you I choose to be with

For a long time I've wanted to have our wedding rings engraved to say my life, my love, my everything, but I'm looking back...

Once there was a time when I was so full of possibility and fear and apathy. And I spoke to Dave over five hundred miles of open land in love tones, wanting him to save me, wanting him to fix me, wanting his soul to be the spackle and my soul to be the home, I wanted him to be the thing that shored up the weak and crumbling parts of my exsisting structure.

I made him promise that we would be happy. So he promised, and I believed.

Then he closed the distance of open land, and we went home to each other.

We sat in an empty apartment with a sleeping bag. I peppered him with hopes and requests and expectation. We laid in the dark and talked about all the things you feel absolutely have to be settled when you're new. Will we do this? Oh yes, of course. But I also want this, let's not forget this. Oh, we could never forget that, ever. And we'll name our children... and on and on and on...

I'm bringing me home to you

I did our daughter's hair and nursed our son while he slept. I made little cards and art projects and went on walks and picnics. He went to work while I slept and wrote love notes and read stories and got everyone out the door and into the car when we were late. We went to the park and hiked on the weekends, we endured the spotlight of summer sun while our children looked at elephants and bears, and then we would or turn our heads to each other and smile and the smile said we are a team and you and I are the captains...

My life, my love, my everything

Then I got a little more selfish.

I worried that I married too young. I worried that I would never be myself again. The novelty wore off but the apron stayed on. I got the crazy eyes of someone who's thirsty thirty minutes into a trip across the Sahara. I got sad and far off and when I was present I was in constant terror that he felt the same. We would get on each others' nerves and get snippy and insecure. And then our children would look up at us hopeful and dependent, he would smile from across the kitchen and I would remember, that smile would be like a renewal of a covenant, we are a team and you and I are the captains. As he would smile I would remake every choice that brought me to that kitchen and those children and that smile...

It's you I choose to be with

Now I think I want my rings to say it's all that I have to give, because guess what, it's not much. but it's Dave's. It's everything I have, my love, and my vindictiveness, my fingernails clicking against his in waiting rooms and churches, my pettiness, my smile. It's all that I've got and it's his.

In My Own Defence

I would like to take this opportunity to finally give my side of a few regrettable incidents that may or may not have happened in the almost 29 years I've been alive.

Dear Pool Owners, notice that I did not say ool owners, that's because I peed in it. Sorry. I was little, and bathing suits are really hard when your five, they roll when you try to pull them down and it takes twenty precious play minutes to get it back on. If it's any consolation I now have stage fright and cannot even pee in a lake on command, so there you go.

7 eleven that I stole a pack of Tic Tacs from. Again, I was pretty little at the time, well, I was pretty little the first time, and that first time I felt so guilty I had to hide behind the family room couch to eat them, but once you've gotten the sweet taste of forbidden Tic Tacs in your blood it's a fast road to hell, hence the rash of burglaries between 1984 - 87.

OK, this one's a shout out to all the girls who came to my 12th birthday party. It's hard to pee in the woods when you are wearing really baggy pants, OK? Can we just leave it at that? Why don't you try it out while I giggle? Geez, I had just had like a liter of Pepsi. It's a normal bodily function, just because I functioned on my baggy pants... you're so immature. Also those Barbies you found in my room were my little sisters, and I only played with her because I had to, I was babysitting.

Friend I accidentally hit in the groin during a church dance, I would like to remind you that I was minding my own business, just casually swinging my arms when you came walking up behind me. So I dropped you like a bag of granite in the middle of the dance floor, did you not notice my arms? swinging?? Hello??? How am I the bad guy?

Pregnant Nurse I joked with during my pregnancy examination, I just want you to know that I was trying to have a sisterly moment there. Speculums, ugg, right? Can I get an amen? Is this thing on? In retrospect I realize that this might have put you in a difficult professional situation, what with your colleague right there, but, come on. Seriously. We both know. Not fun.

Yoga instructor I would like a word with you. Do they not teach you in yoga instructing school that maybe the upside down scissor kicks are best left for home study as embarrassment will surely ensue? Did you miss that day?


Mom and Dad, okay, okay, I kind of get it. It might be a little bit my fault. I'm sorry I ever walked away without giving you a hug because you didn't take me to McDonald's that day. I was young, I didn't know about being tired or poor. I'm sorry I ever glared at you like I hated you just because I couldn't play at a friends house. There really isn't a "my side of the story" to that one. I'm sorry I ever took twenty dollars out of your wallet like you owed me anything or snuck out of the house and made you try to find me because I was sure you didn't care about me. I didn't have a whole lot of perspective at that time. I didn't know about how easy it is go to bed every night loving your children so much and wake up the next morning and forget to tell them, day after day. I didn't know, but now I do.

My kids, I'm failing/embarrassing myself/you in new and exciting ways everyday. I don't know what to tell ya, you should have thought of that before you decided to be born. But if this list is any indication, I may be dense but I'm no quitter. I won't throw in the towel in the face of one personal embarrassment/failure, or even hundreds of personal embarrassments/failures. And one of these days I'm going to get it right. And it will all have been for you.

You're Fluffy Now

I was on the phone with my sister the other day when I found that my dog had torn apart my LoveSac. It was in shreds. I came downstairs to find a very guilty looking weimaraner (weimaraners are the most guilty looking of all the dog breeds, all large eyes and long faces) and one three year old girl blissfully throwing upholstery foam into the air and watching it flutter down like snow. I was overwhelmed by two feelings and tugged at by a third all at once-

A. complete irrational fury

B. a soul crushing sense of futility

C. a vague idea that someday this might be funny, which only fueled feelings A and B.



It wasn't long before Maggie got the idea that she needed to distance herself from this synthetic blizzard fast so she started crying about all of the fluff that wouldn't come out of her hair or off her dress.

"MOOOOM! I'm still FLUFFY!

"Well, You're just going to have to live with it, you're fluffy now!"

"BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE FLUFFY!"

"Well, you should have thought of that before!"

...then in my ear I hear a chuckle..

my sister was still on the phone.

"You're fluffy now.... Awesome...You're going to hell"

Alright, I may have momentarily convinced my three year old that she would be covered in upholstery fluff when she graduated from college, maybe in her elderly years she would be at the grocery store wriggling a pointy finger at small, naughty children and saying in a shrill, warbly hag voice "I was once a naughty little child just like you AND I'M FLUFFY NOW!!" Then perhaps she would hobble to her Cautionary Tale Retirement Center. Yup, pretty sure I'm going to hell.


It did make me think of all of the untrue things we tell our children so that they might "learn their lesson". My husband tells me a story about his brother repeatedly punching him in the arm until his mom finally told his brother that bruises cause cancer, I cannot even list all of the horribly wrong things I've had friends tell me that their parents told them to keep them from being sexually active (for the love of Pete, the truth is scary enough folks) Then there is a whole sub category of ridiculously exaggerated consequences which might be possibilities, sure, but likelihoods? Probably not. There are quite a few little chestnuts that my own parents told me that took until my adulthood to realize hheeey, wait a minute, that's not right. Why do we do it? Do we forget that the primary lesson that our children will learn is that their parents are full of crap?

Maybe it's just shoddy parenting, we don't want to take the time to really explain away or discipline a problem properly. It reminds me of a show I saw once saw, in it Shelley Long played a mother who would explain the dangers of things like electrocution and carbon monoxide poisoning to her three year old, taking the time to acquaint her with consequences she could not have possibly understood, but still, maybe that's a better strategy than saying monsters who want to suck off your fingernails live in electrical sockets (hmmm, that does sound pretty compelling, I cannot guarantee that won't be given a try.) No wonder most of us are paralyzed with fear, we've been told that one false move will destine us for a life with all of our teeth rotted out of our heads, our eyes shot out, and livin in a van down by the river.

Still, she probably won't play in fluff for a little while.

A Note from a Stargirl

I was made fun of last night. If I had a Sunday shoe to shamefully drill into the ground as I said that I would.

I went out to a karaoke place last night in hopes of seeing a friend. I waited around and listened to the really good music until I just couldn't take it anymore and I had to dance. So I went out and danced, by myself, with no one else dancing, for about ten songs. Then someone got up and sang Piano Man, and you can't dance to that song, you have to twirl, preferably while thinking of all of the things you planned in life that never materialized. I'm twirling around, looking like what must be the drunkest person in the bar when I am in fact the most sober, just high on life and an over developed sense of whimsy folks.

As I'm twirling a couple decide to come up and twirl with me, but not in a pleasant way, clearly it is in a "let's make fun of this girl who is so nuts that she won't understand what we're doing" kind of a way. I wanted to point out that they were on a date, in a bar, with a live band right in front of them, and the only thing they could think of to do was make fun of someone else. But I didn't.

After I twirled I left.

I have a friend, and even though we have only hung out together really once I consider her a dear friend. I had never met anyone before where, just by being in their presence, I felt the Spirit. She is the most genuine, sweet, thoughtful woman I have ever met. She is not a game player, she doesn't try to look put together. Her clothes don't come from Anne Taylor, or even Downeast Outfitters. She comes a little too close, gathers your hands in hers when she speaks, she goes with you for nature walks where you sing primary songs rather then asking you to lunch. She's just herself. I was basking in the glow of this friendship when I first heard someone say something negative.

"She's been a little off for a while"

"She's a sweet woman, but I don't think she's totally all there"

It was so disheartening, because, if I'm lucky, I'll end up exactly like her. And I just got a little glimpse into the down side of my future.

I don't know what compels us to make sure everyone else is conforming to our standards. So many things seem so much more silly and arbitrary than singing songs or dancing around to me -french manicures, fake hair, jeans with heels - if those things make people feel happy or sexy or young I say do it, but none of those are life necessities and yet all fit in the confines of what can be considered "normal" and "together". I don't get the game and I don't want to play.

If anyone needs to find me I'll be in my corner twirling.