Adult Braces

Adult Braces. If they had had them during the Spanish Inquisition we'd all be Catholic. I think it's more effective than water boarding - not only is it killing your mouth but you are also positive that at any second you are about to explode with shame. It's a double threat, making you wish you had never been born with an oral cavity while at the same time giving you that feeling that no one has been uglier in the history of the world and underneath the nearest bridge is your new ideal living situation. Nothing like having a salad for lunch and unwittingly wearing it until dinner or that feeling that your molars are about to shoot across the room immediately after turning the key to you're expander.

Hehe, Expander, it sounds both accurate and benign, like naming an electric chair Sparky.

I know at this point one would probably think, Oh, ha, yeah I remember that. Let me just tell you now that you don't. If you had braces when you were thirteen then you were distinctive, but part of the main stream of society. If you are an adult who is currently wearing braces you are the equivalent of those who lived in the underground, trying desperately to avoid the occupation of People with Parents Who Loved Them. And the PPWLT's tyranny knows no bounds. They politely try not to stare too hard as you try to pull your lips back over your teeth after smiling and they ask "So, they're comin' along, right?".

Ohhhh, I want to die.

Or they reminisce about their own experiences with braces, like it gives them cred. "I hated my braces, those bands are soo uncomfortable."

Yeah, you suffered in a cafeteria, I'm at a cocktail party. If you can't see the difference then I am not about to explain it to you.

But then, as you look away, you spy a metallic glimmer from across the room, you do a double take, there, a woman trying to smile with her mouth closed. Can it be? Yes she too has the tell tale guard-like bulge around her mouth, as though she came to a grown up function prepared to wrestle, or play football. She definitely has braces too. She turns to look at you and time stands still. You both begin to walk towards each other, pushing past waiters and other party goers until you meet in the center of the room, grasping each others arms.

How much longer do you have?

A year, you?

Six months.

Wax really helps.

Thanks. Hang in there OK. You're in the home stretch now.

You too, don't give up the fight, for straight teeth I mean.

It's not like I had never seen braces before, but even I was shocked when I got my first look in a mirror. Do they make braces in a Large, and if so why am I wearing the XXL? I'm driving home with my kids and as I look back I catch my reflection in the rear view mirror and start to cry. This is so embarrassing. I'm so ugly, and I'm a grown woman for crying out loud.

Just then I hear my four year old, Vivian.

Don't cry mommy, you're beautiful.

I look up through my tears and smile.

Vivian gives me an editorial once over.

Just don't smile.

-

I'm sitting in my orthodontist's chair while some cheerleader with a string of perfectly proportioned pearly teeth sticks various pointy objects in my mouth. I think that if they made dental equipment out of Pop Rocks instead of metal perhaps dentists wouldn't have that high suicide rate. It's a party in your mouth. But it's not like they do nothing to make the experience a little more fun. I did get to choose a graphic for my retainer. I chose a Grateful Dead skull. I'm not really a huge Dead fan but Rolling Stones graphics, while appropriate, were unavailable.

They also give you the super fun choice of bands to go around each individual brace. I'm stunned to find not one, but three shades of green. Seriously? You want this metal contraption that covers ninety percent of your mouth to have a green accent? Call me conservative, but this is not the arena in which I would like to let my freak flag fly. "You can have them alternate red, white and blue, for the Forth of July." offers cheerleader.

Wow.

I'm good, I actually already have a patriotic diaphragm and I don't want to look too busy.