Thursday, May 28, 2009

In My Own Defence

I would like to take this opportunity to finally give my side of a few regrettable incidents that may or may not have happened in the almost 29 years I've been alive.

Dear Pool Owners, notice that I did not say ool owners, that's because I peed in it. Sorry. I was little, and bathing suits are really hard when your five, they roll when you try to pull them down and it takes twenty precious play minutes to get it back on. If it's any consolation I now have stage fright and cannot even pee in a lake on command, so there you go.

7 eleven that I stole a pack of Tic Tacs from. Again, I was pretty little at the time, well, I was pretty little the first time, and that first time I felt so guilty I had to hide behind the family room couch to eat them, but once you've gotten the sweet taste of forbidden Tic Tacs in your blood it's a fast road to hell, hence the rash of burglaries between 1984 - 87.

OK, this one's a shout out to all the girls who came to my 12th birthday party. It's hard to pee in the woods when you are wearing really baggy pants, OK? Can we just leave it at that? Why don't you try it out while I giggle? Geez, I had just had like a liter of Pepsi. It's a normal bodily function, just because I functioned on my baggy pants... you're so immature. Also those Barbies you found in my room were my little sisters, and I only played with her because I had to, I was babysitting.

Friend I accidentally hit in the groin during a church dance, I would like to remind you that I was minding my own business, just casually swinging my arms when you came walking up behind me. So I dropped you like a bag of granite in the middle of the dance floor, did you not notice my arms? swinging?? Hello??? How am I the bad guy?

Pregnant Nurse I joked with during my pregnancy examination, I just want you to know that I was trying to have a sisterly moment there. Speculums, ugg, right? Can I get an amen? Is this thing on? In retrospect I realize that this might have put you in a difficult professional situation, what with your colleague right there, but, come on. Seriously. We both know. Not fun.

Yoga instructor I would like a word with you. Do they not teach you in yoga instructing school that maybe the upside down scissor kicks are best left for home study as embarrassment will surely ensue? Did you miss that day?


Mom and Dad, okay, okay, I kind of get it. It might be a little bit my fault. I'm sorry I ever walked away without giving you a hug because you didn't take me to McDonald's that day. I was young, I didn't know about being tired or poor. I'm sorry I ever glared at you like I hated you just because I couldn't play at a friends house. There really isn't a "my side of the story" to that one. I'm sorry I ever took twenty dollars out of your wallet like you owed me anything or snuck out of the house and made you try to find me because I was sure you didn't care about me. I didn't have a whole lot of perspective at that time. I didn't know about how easy it is go to bed every night loving your children so much and wake up the next morning and forget to tell them, day after day. I didn't know, but now I do.

My kids, I'm failing/embarrassing myself/you in new and exciting ways everyday. I don't know what to tell ya, you should have thought of that before you decided to be born. But if this list is any indication, I may be dense but I'm no quitter. I won't throw in the towel in the face of one personal embarrassment/failure, or even hundreds of personal embarrassments/failures. And one of these days I'm going to get it right. And it will all have been for you.

2 comments:

Rebecca Wood said...

Traci.
Have I told you lately ... that I love you?
Have I let you know ... I care?
You are totally awesome.
I'm glad to be your friend. You have always been so much more cool about this kind of stuff. Maybe it'll rub off someday. On me.

don'tcallmelady said...

I love you. Happily ever after The End.