You may have already guessed it, I'm not a rocket surgeon.

I have long since admitted that I suffer from a crippling case of intellectual little man's syndrome. That's what happens when you didn't finish eighth grade and went on to become a stay at home mom but you still believe you are as smart as most people in any given social setting. One becomes frusrated with condesention after having a word explained that you already knew, or the not exactly complementary look of surprise when you make a point in a debate, or the congratulatory pat on the head that you read a book without having previously gone to college. It can be... frustrating.

But I ask for it sometimes, too. I really don't give a crap about my spelling (as you can probably tell). It's not so bad as to keep anyone from understanding my meaning so it's just not that important to me, I often dumb myself down for the benefit of others, so, for example, a guy with not alot of social graces can feel he's really bringing alot of useful information to a conversation, or someone who I know prides themselves on their intellegence can shine without feeling that they are getting any competition from me. I'm always surprised how often people use my trying to be gracious to kick my in my mind balls with a lot of patronizing tones and dismissive looks. And, yes, I did just say mind balls.

Lately I've been wondering why this bothers me so much. Who cares if I'm percieved as smart or stupid? I think I've come to a conclusion. I'm identifying myself by my brains, which is just as insufferable as people who identify themselves by their looks, or their money or any other thing that catergorizes one person over another. But with intellect it is so much more dangerous, because THERE ARE DIFFERENT KINDS OF SMART. There's the smirky "I can turn a phrase" variety, there's the "I read alot of books", there's the "I'm a computer engineer" and my favorite, there's the "I have a lick of common sense".

I once had a friend ask me if I thought my husband was smarter than me. It was obvious by her tone that she was asking because she had that question in her own relationship. It made me so sad, not only because she WAS smart, and the comparison made her feel as though she wasn't, but that was such a small piece of such a wonderful person.

I often wonder if I put the huge weight of small adjectives on my own children. Smart, pretty, kind, funny. Because in my mind I know them, but what comes out of my mouth are small, grasping, human words, when the word for them is their name, coming out like a sigh, reverent and full of love. Why is she trying to be merely smart? doesn't she know that she's Vivian?

I guess I should try to turn that question on myself a little more.